“COME TO THE EDGE! “We are afraid.”
“COME TO THE EDGE!” “We will fall.”
“COME TO THE EDGE!” And they came and he pushed them,
and they flew!
(Apollinaire – disputed?)
It’s a quiet day and a pigeon is happily chuntering outside my office window. Sitting in my office, which has too much space for one person I have had a very productive day. My inbox is almost empty, whiteboard half erased of completed tasks with short and long term projects and deadlines drafted in the pad beside me. My job isn’t without pressures, and I certainly don’t mind working hard, but I realise that I can’t remember what I was thinking about that kept me awake worrying a few weeks ago, or what I achieved within the last few months that made me proud. Instead I’m looking at the pigeon and thinking about how nice it would be to just sit on a windowsill and chunter…without the aspect of my own poo rotting my feet. (look this up people – you have to feel for pigeons).Normally this would just be that Friday feeling at the end of a week’s work, only I’ve been thinking like this more and more and like a break up you know should happen I realise my heart is no longer in my job.
I gave up booze 83 days ago and haven’t had a drink since (except a shiraz jus I had with some lamb by accident – I don’t think that counts but it feels good to get it off my chest). I didn’t give up because I had a problem, no nasty drunken incident that put me off, I just woke up one morning (yes with a mild hangover) and thought I’d like to give it a try. It hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would. It certainly makes you think more, and is probably one of the reasons I’ve finally admitted to myself that I’m no longer happy. It’s been a slow revelation but a revelation nonetheless.
Though I feel as though I am on the edge of a precipice, it hasn’t been the whirlwind journey of discovery I had expected. I’ve been moping, anxious, bored and at times just unpalatable to be around. To tie in with not drinking I was offered a fantastic promotion opportunity that I seized. I threw myself into it, working round the clock, working weekends, reading on an evening and taking notes from industry books on theories and practices I could implement. It was in the middle of an office relocation, so stressful times but I enjoyed the challenge…up to a point. I was working hard, but felt more and more disassociated and unable to get behind the company ethos and I felt frustrated that I was unable to get myself into this mindset. I read more books, tried different tactics, convinced myself that I could solve the problem of not enjoying it and that the power to be happy in this job was up to me and no one else. This is all true, except that today I think that the key to enjoy my work is to walk away from this job.
You know those important decisions. The ones your mind has been telling you for months only you no longer ignore it. The moment you acknowledge it, it’s as if everything around you goes quiet and the clutter in your head disappears. Today feels like one of those days.
Appollonaire’s quote keeps coming to mind. My English teacher used to tell us this to encourage us to have faith in our own abilities. I trusted him implicitly when we said we could do it, but what I really need to do now is trust in myself. It’s time to take that leap and see if I soar…or land in a mangled heap on the rocks as target practise for the seagulls. I really don’t believe there is any inbetween.